Fortunately for them, most of my friends ended up in marrying girls who they loved and who are opposite to them in most all ways. The opposites attracted each other, and culminated in marriages. Like SS, who we used to call a word in mallu, that meant “Night” or "Dark", is as dark as his pet-name is. He was (not anymore) as mallu as one could be. He spoke the Trivandrum slang of Malayalam and relied on special kappa-meen (Tapioca + Fish) delicacies. And ended up marrying someone whom we could easily call a “Day”. She is as bright as her name could-be, as north-indian as possible and didn’t know what appam or Kappa was. Or who Mohanlal is. The only Kappa she knew was the greek alphabet and Mohanlal she thought was the cousin of Pyare-lal. Now she knows Mohanlal and he knows Daler Mehndi. Happy family.
And another friend of mine, PT, slim and handsome, ended up marrying a reasonably fat woman. Of course the lady’s smart, intelligent and caring. But he was none of these. Again opposites. But love bug bit. And got married. Yet another friend, from a properly religious, traditional, south family. His religion even bans drinking. And he was the one who we thought would never fall in love ever. Yet, his heart (i think after meeting her he finally got one) was stolen by yet another Punjabi girl. Mallu’s and Panju’s have a strong connection it seems.
Now, I wasn’t all that fortunate to fall in Love with someone for a long period that could graduate into marriage. After my share of make-ups and break-ups, I decided to finally take the arranged marriage route. Here, we look for similarities than for opposites. If you say Mohanlal and she says Aamir Khan, then despite the fact that you are both Tams, the deals is off. She sends an sms, “I am sorry Arun. Shaadi, aur tumse? Kabhi Nahin (SATKN)”.
Now some interesting snippets of my arranged marriage searches. The probability of you marrying any girl is only 1%. Horoscope matching probability is just 30%. She having a job/education/ character that you like is 25%. She looking good or even looking average is another 30%. And finally, the probability of she liking you is 50%. The total probability is a tint less that 1%. Some stories:
“Dad, i searched bharati matrimony (BM) and found the following profiles interesting” I tell my dad now and then. After which Dad sends a mail to those profiles:
“Dear sir, my son has liked your daughter’s profile. Can you kindly send a photo of your daughter along with the horoscope”.
Her dad replies, “Dear Mr. Iyer, many thanks for the mail. Please find my daughter, Sow: Chitra’s photo attached”. My Dad calls me, “Arun, i am forwarding the photo to you. She looks very good.” When i finally open the photo, i see a dark, short, slightly fat woman, who looks like in her late 30s. “Daaad....” I say to which he responds, “What is her problem...she looks good. Even your mother liked her”. And ofcourse, Ipsita Nayak, who sits next to you in the office also looks at you with a sarcastic smile followed by a comment, "Arun, so howz your search progressing ?"
Another reply from R K Iyer. This time the photo is good and I tell my dad to arrange for her phone number. But my dad yells. “As per our astrologer, her Mars and your venus are in the 3rd house (living together?). Moreover, the Saturn from 8th house is facing the 3rd house (voyuering on them i guess?). Hence this horoscope is totally a no-no.
Another reply – photo is good - to which my astrologer says, “She is likely to have split personality and hence my advice is to not proceed." The girl is working in London. And this is the only opportunity to vacation in Venice. And this astrologer, sitting here in a suburb, says she could have split personality – without even meeting or talking to her. All just by finding out which house the Uranus is shitting. I mean sitting. Does he even know how an evening in Paris would be, with a girl?
A reply from Mr Murthy arrives. Girl’s photo is quite good – though she didn’t seem to be too big hearted (!!) Our Astrologer has hesitantly given an ok. I am happy. But this time, the girl’s astrologer has found Jupiter facing Moon and warned of a slim possibility of the boy’s dad meeting with a danger. To which my mom reacts. “We are not proceeding with this! Period!”
After all this long drawn efforts & fights, i finally got 3-4 profiles where the girl did marginally cross my looks-profile cut-off, my dad’s family-background cut-off, where Jupiter didn’t screw the mars etc etc. But then the following happened:
Radhika Sharma did respond positively for 3 weeks. We met at coffee shops, wine bars etc. All was well. I was perfectly okay with the fact that she liked only heavy metal and i liked only carnatic. I was okay that she worked only at nights and i worked on days. She loved only Mexican and i loved only South Indian food. One day she visited my home. All was well. With a lot of effort, i behaved decently with her - Like a decent guy, i served her some wine, talked neat stuff with her and maintained 3 foot distance from her at all times! The next day she called and said, “You are too naive and nice with me. Even at your home. I don’t think we can take it forward. I like my guy to be a bit more aggressive.."
Aparna Iyer too responded very positively. For 3 weeks. She too loved carnatic music. She was vegetarian. She was good looking. She visited my house. Being an MBA, and having learnt from past, I did not maintain the 3 foot distance this time. And I didnt want her to question my aggression. The next day she sent an sms the next day saying, “Sorry. Not possible to proceed”.
Vidya Raman was perfectly fine for 1 week. One day i casually asked her if ever she had a met any other boy in this arranged marriage route before she met me. Next day Mr. Raman called me up and said it was too rude of me to have asked such a question to her little innocent child. It seems Vidya cried all night. Alas!! Awww! Apparently she had been brought up like a "Ms. Chatur" of 3 idiots. She always topped exams. Never knew what a boyfriend meant. I think this happened for my good or else i would have had to sign the "declaration of defeat" memo now and then in life!
Ambika Venkatraman wasn’t as sensitive as Vidya was. She chatted. She met me 2-3 times. All was ok. I also balanced my position between 0.5-1.5 foot distances from her. And practised controlled agression this time. All was well. One day she said she was talking to 5-6 guys and has decided to proceed with one of them. The CCD and phone bills were mine. The choice of guy was alas hers.
Seema Viswanath, on the other hand said i was the first guy she ever met. And for that matter she needed time to decide. I kept footing Barista bills, Ivy cheques, China gate cash, and Cross word memos. One day she asked, would i settle abroad, to which i said Not likely. And the next day she said she didn’t get a wave-length synergy. But to make me feel good, she admitted that i was nice. But since i was the first guy, she clearly hinted that she didn’t want to proceed before checking out a few more in the market.
Reshma Iyer was nice. Met her one day. I Couldn’t understand most of what she talked as she is a Doctor and myself an engineer. She too asked me if i'd like to settle abroad, I immediately said Yes. Then I told her that i might go abroad after a few years for another MBA or so and then continue working there for a few years. Next day her dad called my dad. File closed. Doctors and CAs don’t like shifting, as they are no longer doctors in other countries.
Sunita Narayanan was nice too. I met her one day. For me, the frequency didn’t match at all. But next day her dad called and said she’s ok with me and wants to keep the engagement the coming Sunday. I was shocked and begged myself out of the 20-20 game they adopted. They were faster than asteriod that created SRK crater on the moon.
In short:
Touch her not, she may not like;
Touch her, and she’ll just leave you;
Talk to her liberally; she’ll think you are too talkative;
Don’t talk to her and she’ll say you are an introvert;
Ask her about herself and you are too interrogative;
Don’t ask her about herself and your wavelength is different;
Go abroad and she’ll dislike you;
Stay in India and she’ll say nothing-different-about you;
But always remember, the Cafe frappe bill is yours;
Thou not get married, but never go for arranged one.
Some Typical conversations with the girls:
Girl-1: I love mexican food.
Arun: I love them too.. Infact they are my favv (!!)
Girl-1: Tell me whats your fav dish?
Arun: You tell me yours first! Then i'll tell you..
Girl-1: Avocados Salsa, Guacamole..
Arun: Yes, i too love salsa. I even enrolled and went for 4 classes
Girl-1: Arun, I am talking about the food.
Arun: Oh..ya..ya...(thinking....) I like that too..
Girl-1: Have you tried Guacamole?
Arun: Yes yes.. (just spilled out some coffee from the mouth), that green colored dish right?
Girl-1: No, it red.
Arun: Ya ya. Red. I confused Gumoolar for Guacamole..
Girl-2: I love heave metal.
Arun: Lead ? or Zinc?
Girl-2: Am talking about the music..
Arun: Oh ya. I love them too.. Infact they are my favv (!!)
Girl-2: Tell me whats your fav band?
Arun: You tell me yours first! Then i'll tell you..
Girl-2: Mega death, Deep Purple
Arun: Deep Purple has been my favv too..
Girl-2: Which Album
Arun: hmm..aahh.. Dangerous
Girl-2: That's MJ's
Arun: Yes yes, I meant, hmm (cough) (cough)...i like MJ too..I love pop
Girl-2: What other pop bands do you like?
Arun: Ya ya. Boys...street boys in the back..
Girl-2: Back Street Boys? Thats not POP
Arun: I know, i know...i was just naming another one band i like.
Arun: But tell me, which is your fav..(thinking)...hmm... "Mauve" song?
Girl-2: Pardon?
Arun: But tell me, which is your fav (thinking hard)..hmm.. "Maroon" song?
Girl-2: Pardon?
Arun: But tell me, which is your fav (finally got it) "Purple" song?
Girl-2: Excuse me?
Arun: But tell me, which is your fav (after thinking again) "Pink Purple" song?
Girl-2: Excuse me? You mean Deep Purple?
Arun: Oh ya ya.
Girl-3: I am pursuing PhD in Biomed.
Arun: Wow. thats great.
Girl-3: I am a part in formulating some new generic
Arun: Wow. thats great
Girl-3: Its a part of Oncology research
Arun: What ongoing research did you say?
Girl-3: Oncology
Arun: hmm..aahh.. Wow..
Girl-3: I specialise in Interventional Oncology
Arun: Wow..
Girl-3: What aspects of medicine do you know
Arun: Wow..
Girl-3: Arun, are you listening
Arun: Wow... (cough)(cough).. Yes!!..YYYes..
