Plane Crashed? Meeting cancelled !! I need to resign now.

“Pride goes before a fall” is a saying which we are all familiar with. Quite often we are too happy and complacent with what we have been doing. The praises showered on us by our bosses, colleagues etc keep us as happy as anyone could be. Once we have made a good impression, all we tend to do through a working day is to sustain the good impression – to smartly delegate the tasks in the 1st half of the day, to have an extra relaxed lunch in the noon and a then to have busy afternoon on facebook, naukri.com and g-talk. A half-an- hour follow up with your sub-ordinates (aka reportees) just before leaving would round it up. And you get another “good work” mail from your boss:

11:30 am on a Monday:
Boss: Arun, what happened to the launch preparations for Project X?
Arun: Sir it is all done!! We have done day wise planning for the next 2 weeks. I will show it you in 2 hours after making some fine tuning, sir.

Boss: Brilliant! Good work arun.
Arun: I knowww.. sir. Infact I have made similar plan for Project Z also.
Boss: What is project Z? I havent heard of that at all!!!!
Arun: It is the next main thing, sir. Will let you know.
Boss: Good show! You seem to have all the secret info.

11.45 am (Arun summons his reportee Ram):
Arun: Ram, WHAT have you done about launch preparations for project X?
Ram: Sir, we are yet to start it. We don’t even have basic information about the launch.

Arun: That’s YOUR mistake. I want a day wise plan with all the activities detailed in 2 hrs time.
Ram: Sir, But making the plan takes 2 days, as you know.

Arun: Ram, try to understand that this is a "dynamic company". You need to rise up to the occasion.
Ram: Sir, How about time till EOD today?

Arun: Ok. I will see you at your appraisal then. Be "Sensitive to the business needs", Ram.
Ram: Sir, Two hours would be fine.
Arun: There you are! Call me at 13:45 for the review.
Arun: Also need a similar plan for Project Z by tomorrow night.
Ram: What is project Z? I have no clue!!!
Arun: Even I don’t know. You find out. But I need it.

Arun: Ram, it is important to sometime work outside of your responsibilities and get yourself exposed to all aspects of business. That’ll help you grow up in this organisation and handle the REALLY COMPLEX things that I do.
Ram: Sure sir.

12:00 Noon to 13:30 hrs (Arun’s updates in no particular order)

12:02 Arun Anand “likes” the status message of Divvya Hariharan.
12:04 Arun Anand and Priya Sunder are now friends.
12.07 Arun Anand commented on the photo of Krishna Kumar
12.09 Arun Anand took the “ten questions to know your personality quiz”
12.12 Arun Anand is now using facebook in हिन्दी
12.15 Arun Anand is now a member of “Mumbai’s read newspaper while taking a dump” group
12.22 Arun Anand has found a wandering stallion on their farm in FarmVille
12.33 Arun Anand just answered a question: Is Chetna Iyer a Virgin?
12.59 Arun Anand commented on his own status: “The Jalebi in today’s lunch wasn’t good”
13:02 Arun Anand just joined the group “Indian’s company’s pay less & make you work more”

So that was a brief snapshot of what the extra ordinarily busily middley management (MM) do in several companies. Some other day-to-day tactics that the MM do are:

· Call for all important issue related meetings and directly make your presence felt in critical issues. Doesn’t matter even if they do not understand what the actual issue was. The senior management and the junior management understand it well, though. Let them speak to each other. You just need to be present as a middle manager. As a broker.

· When your sub-ordinate’s presentation is exceptionally appreciated, you just have to subtly tell the directors that it was all done under your guidance and it comprised fully of your ideas.

· When the senior management finds a fault, all you have to do is call your sub-ordinate on phone in front of the senior management and ask him for explanation

· All of your sub-ordinates good work is because of your guidance and all of your bad work is because of sub-ordinate’s lack of efficiency or attitude.

· Tell your sub-ordinates to work till mid night and solve an issue urgently. But tell them that you have to leave early at 4 p.m. due to some important official meeting and are unavailable on phone till 11 p.m.

· Shout out loud, by means of e-mails, or by holding meetings, the importance of building robust processes, doing long term planning and having a dynamic marketing framework. Do it once in at least 3 days.

Last but not least, always walk hurriedly. And keep talking to someone urgently, always.

So, coming back to the main topic, Once you have learnt the ropes discussed above, you are complacent and you have managed to learn the tricks to impress everyone around. When life’s all smooth, that is exactly when something goes terribly wrong. Some major major mess up occurs. What would you do? You have several options in front of you:
· To blame it on a subordinate stating he’s the cause of the whole issue;
· And / Or to get involved in the issue and find a plan B to resolve it;
· And / Or to put in a process so that the mistake will not be repeated;
· And / Or to apologize and accept the full responsibility of the mistake and take the ire of senior management.

As aspiring corporate honchos, even the most cunning of middle managers would try to rise up to the occasion and “solve” the problem than escape it… At least we’d ensure that we stay put even if a colleague or a subordinate or a boss is sacked. But surprisingly, the new trend in today’s 3G India is to just “escape” or “flee” oneself from the burden of “solving” it.

In other words, Resign!! This new age management concept has originated from none other than the Govt of India’s leadership. All the management guru’s by from drucker to kotler would be appalled at this strategy, which is invariably the best among all the options.

Here are few questions to test your MQ (Management Quotient):

Q1. What should you do when a plane crashes at Mangalore due to a bad runway?

As a responsible civil aviation manager, you should immediately resign. So that you need not sit through the burden of planning for modernizing the airports, raising funds again (what you raised initially was converted into a 17 storey palatial residence in your wife’s name at Worli seaface), fighting with AAIs, and fighting the innumerous no of PILs against you.

You are saved of all the aftermaths of such a shameful episode by a simple resignation. Also, After two-three months, when the govt finally finds that you have whacked the Rs 2000 cr approved in 1993 budget for modernizing the Mangalore airport, you are no longer the minister. As you have already resigned, they cannot sack you also. How wise!! And you are in a ferry from Vancouver to Victoria when the press is hunting you down there. And In addition to all this, you come out with an elevated public image: “Wow. Mr. Patel resigned when the tragedy happened. Whatay responsible minister he is!” You have ensured your victory in the next election. And your worli seaface house will stand for another 100 years. Phew!

Q2. What should you do when naxals attack a town in your country and claim 112 lives?

Resign!! You can save yourself of the burden of by-hearting the names of dense forests in the country, memorizing the names of various naxal outfits, their mother organizations, their affiliates, their hide-outs locality names, the names of their chiefs, the names of nearest police regiments in these areas. You can save 100+ interviews that you were to give on the TV, save 10+ LokSabha sessions, allegations from the opposition party, explanations by the police department etc etc.

Just resign!! Chances are that you’ll be hired back again as the finance minister when the current finance minister would offer resignation on some imminent issue. And he can take the seat of Home minister!

The Resignation Escalation Matrix is as below:

· The ministry is formed and the new Railway minister has allocated Rs 3000 cr for railway upgradation (in other words, his Worli sea face or Jumera Island home upgradation)

· If a train accident occurs, the railway minister should resign, having pocketed Rs 500 cr already

· If a train accident happens again, the new railway minister should resign, Rs 400 Cr gone with the wind.

· If a 3rd train accident happens, the PM should resign, He always got Rs 800 cr btw.

· If a 4th train accident happens, the govt blame British who laid the tracks in 1810 for low quality work and opposition to blame govt.

· If a 5th accident happens, the opposition will win the election and the current ministry collapses. New railway minister appointed. New vision. New budgets.

· If a 6th accident happens, go to step-1, start all over again, Increase budget allocation to Rs 4000 cr this time.

· Go to step-1. Don’t waste time.

It doesn’t really matter even if nothing happens on Railway infrastructure per se.

Similarly, top-6 reasons to resign from your current Job

· You have done some major mess up which you can’t pass on to anyone else in the organisation. Not even to the canteen fellow.
· Having relentlessly spent time on facebook, twitter, You feel you have done work Rs 20 Crores and hence deserve atleast 10% of that as your commission. And the company feels that your expectation is very high.
· You feel that you have talked the word “paradigm shift” the maximum in the meetings. But you realised that your silent south Indian colleague got the maximum bonus.
· You feel that you are the cause of the organisation’s existence and the organisation feels the otherwise.
· Your boss followed up with you on a work related matter, in a polite and gentle way, in front of your crush Catherine. But for some reason you had told her earlier that you were the boss.
· Your boss just realised that even the emails that you sent were written by your sub-ordinates. Out of hurry, you one day forgot to remove the signature of your reportee when you forwarded it to all.

Phew...

You have a launch tomorrow? I have an off.

May 21st, 2009.
The whole company is looking forward to a mega mega launch. Never befor seen launch. Critical for the company’s topline, neckline and bottoms. The Marketing team is busy dealing with heavy duty event management firms and advertising agencies to freeze on the branding stuff. Product team working on the confidential launch pricing and positioning. The Team of architects are freezing on the plans and technical details. Mega Launch planned for 23rd of May. Times of India front page is blocked for a huge amount. The sales team is planning to sell 1000 apartments between 23rd May and 31st may. Revenue estimates at 500 Crores in the ten day period. And yet, at 6.30 p.m. when everyone is in neck deep shit, with one more day to launch, we get an intrusive mail that’s high on importance and urgency:

“Last 1 day to register for the Inter departmental cricket tournament to be held between 23th and 26th of May. HODs (Head of Depts) kindly send their team list to the undersigned latest by 3 pm on 22nd May”

Often they are everywhere. Often they are nowhere. Often they arrive too earlier than required. Often they arrive too late. Who are they? They are the efficient HR teams of the top notch MNCs of the corporate world. They mostly do not know what the other departments do. and vice-versa. How better can a give-take relationship be?

The other day, I was surprised when I spotted an HR colleague of mine, sitting in his cubicle at 8 p.m. on one of those days. Usually, the HR team’s bell-curve office leaving pattern shows that the 1st member leaves a few minutes before 5.15 pm and the last member leaves a few minutes earlier than 6.00 PM. So finding Amit at 8 p.m. in his cubicle was a surprise:

Arun: Hey Amit. How come you are late today?
Amit: Arre yaar. I have a deadline. I have to finish something urgent before leaving.

Arun: What is it? Some appraisal thing?
Amit: I have to finalise the rules for inter department Tug-of-war to be held on Friday.

Arun: So have you finalised it?
Amit: Yes….more or less same as last year’s tug-of-war. I have to add 1 more new department and hence slightly modify the prelim schedule.

Arun: But how could they give you such a tight deadline for this yar?
Amit: I know. Next time if they do this, I’ll quit.

The next day I spotted Amit walking into office at 12 noon.

Arun: So did you finish it? How come late today?
Amit: I worked for 2-3 hrs extra yesterday no. so thought of coming in a bit late.

Arun: I am glad. You are quite overworked these days.
Amit: I KNoww !!!…next week I have to organize the painting competition and in June, I have to organize musical chair and Quiz. I guess I have so many night outs awaiting.
Arun: Poor you.




Intentionally or unintentionally, their (HR’s) schedule of work invariable works out similar to the following:

1) Inter departmental Cricket matches are organised during office hours when IPO DRHP is to be filed the following week.

2) Free physical fitness check ups to everyone during the week of a critical launch. Several clients are invited by the sales team on these days. But meetings rooms are all blocked for eye test, ear test, BMI, Nutrition and so on.

3) Performance Appraisal during the last week of March. This is when the Marketing team is working double hard to get the sales numbers. The finance team is getting their accounts and books right. But the Appraisal online system works only between 25th and 31st of march. After the deadline no appraisals or ratings could be entered in the system. You have to finish all your subordinates’ appraisals (per person takes atleast 3 hrs) with in 31st march. Or forgo your increment. Or promotion. Or both.

4) 8 people from each department in mandatory for every tug-of-war game that is organised during mission critical assignments.



July 24th 2009.

Company plans for IPO. The DRHP has been approved by SEBI and RHP needs to be filed in 2 days (on Monday). The Marketing team is busy planning the campaigns. The sales team is busy consolidating the last minute sales/ revenue/collection details. The Finance team is tweaking the valuation, price band etc. The investment banking and the lead banking partners are being invited; The advertising, PR agencies are literally working out of our office and burning the mid night oil. In the midst of all these, on a Friday 6.30 p.m., and we get another mail:

“The routine pest control exercise is being undertaken from 24th evening (Friday) 8.30 pm onwards to 8.30 pm on 25th (Saturday). Inconvenience regretted – But there would not be any food, water, power supply in the mentioned period”.

Who are they? This time, they are the efficient Admin team. Neighbor’s pride. Owner’s envy. Here, I was surprised when Tina from Admin was spotted late on one of the days.

Arun: Hey Tina. How come you are late today?
Tina: Arre yaar. I have a deadline. I have to finish some imp task.

Arun: What is it? Some housekeeping thing?
Tina: I have to estimate the number of water bottles & calculators to be brought for new joinees..

Arun: So have you finalised it?
Tina: Yes..more or less. I received the new joinee list from HR last week.

Arun: But then what’s the complication?
Tina: We are confused which vendor to choose. One is quoting Rs 21 per bottle and other is quoting Rs 23. So I have to close on one by today end.

Arun: But how could they give you such a tight deadline for this yar?
Tina: I know. Last week I left only at 11 PM – I was deciding whether to subscribe for India Today in office or not.

Arun: That’s a tough task.
Tina: You are so understanding, Arun. I wish my boss too was.

Yet another day. I was busy fighting with a market research agency on phone. My colleaugues are either fighting with some vendors or fighting with the sales department. All of them are actively doing many things with high urgency levels (a mega launch is around). Suddenly a Bell rings. TRRRRRRRRRRRRRINGGGGGGGGGGG.

Announcement: "Dear staff. this is a routine fire drill. please do not panic. do not use the lift. please take the fire exit staircases and assemble at the parking area. We repeat do not panic.. " We all hesitanly walk down from 7th floor to level 0. My Brand manager also sprains his leg in the way down.

There, When we are panting, when we are wondering whats happening, the admin head explains: "Thanks a lot for your co-operation. We have evacuated in 15 mins flat. wish you all a happy weekend!" WTF...You go home after evacuating us in 15 mins. You get a promotion next year. what about our launch?

Intentionally or unintentionally, their (admin’s) schedule invariable works out as follows quite often:

1) The Pest control will happen only on those weekends when the entire organization has to work together as a team to deliver something very important on Monday.

2) Do EPABX maintenance (of-course by shutting it off) only when there’s a launch and lot of potential enquiries are expected.

3) Do A/C Maintenance only during working hours, preferably in summer only.

4) Conduct mock fire drills exactly just an hour before an important client presentation when a team of 7 senior people are visiting us from London.

5) They go for the team outing (HR has said that all depts could go for a 2 day outing in a year) when CEO has just requested a make over of all site offices across the city within a weeks time.


So a typical yearly schedule of the departments of a busy, reputed organization could be seen as follows:

January:
Marketing: 3 project launches - To achieve revenues of INR 3000 mn
Admin: To conduct pest control & fumigation, To shift marketing department employees to 4th floor from 2nd floor. Has to be done in Jan itself.
HR: To organize mega inter departmental antakshari competition on 4th floor, after shifting.

February:
Marketing: 4 project launches - To achieve revenues of INR 4000 mn
Finance: To bid for the merger of the company with company X.
Planning: To provide the first preview of the mega township with 8000 residences.
Admin: To conduct mock fire drills 3 times. To disconnect the company from Reliance’s boardline number and appoint Airtel as the new vendor. Shift pre-sales & sales to a new building block.
HR: To organise employee satisfaction survey. To conduct mandatory training of 5 full days for sales team members as a part of global training policy.

March (year end):
Marketing: 7 project launches - To achieve revenues of INR 8000 mn. Yay.
Finance: To raise 3000 crores by way of debt syndication.
Admin: To change the canteen vendor. No food for 9.5 days. Marketing team looks more complacent. shift them back to 2nd floor.
HR: To make sure that all employees avail their stipulated unavailed leaves and that no leaves to be carry forwarded to the next year. To make sure that all the employees’ appraisal reports and ratings are ready by 28th of March.


April (New year & Summer start):
Marketing: 4 project launches – This year’s turnover should be double last years.
Finance: To execute IPO.
Admin: To do routine A/C maintenance. To maintain the sub-station power feeder. No power on 2 weekends. Shift HR team.
HR: To organize Company Premier League cricket. HODs to compulsorily nominate 2 teams of 9 members each for this cricket extravaganza.

IT: Shut down LAN for 4 days and shut down SAP for annual maintenance.


Uff. Happens in your company too? I am sure. Enjoy.

Wanna know how the futuristic admin / HR would function:

1) They'd appoint McKinskey to decide the Overall admin strategy. This includes: Deciding when to do strategic fumigation to kill the maximum number of pests. (McKinsey ofcourse would hire a consultant who exactly knows at what time of the day the pests reproduced effectively and how often they go into hibernation in a day) . It includes When exactly to buy dustbins, water bottles and how many. How many times to change Phone-lines in a year. etc. Automated mails will be sent to everyone on the concerned days so that Admin people can leave on time.

2) HR would learn from other companies on which games worked in which companies. They'd do a quick survey and say that Chinese automobile industry found that "Conducting choir Music competition increased productivity by 0.5% when compared to Cooking competition". And they'd adopt this into the indian context of Musical chair and Rangoli competitions. They'd appoint agencies that strategically conduct these games in the right time of the day and in the right month in order to have the maximum productivity gain. They'd also say that while infosys organised Traditional dressing day, their attrition that month reduced by 120 bps and hence thats the way to go forward.

Uff..

Boob Quakes all the way - creating disasters since time immemmorial..

Initially I thought it’s a sudden, unexpected, Jittery, yet powerful Quake that happens in the Boob, which results in Wardrobe malfunction et al. I was mistaken: Upon researching I learnt that it is Earth Quake which is induced by a Boob. How is that possible? Men Ogle at them --> Women who are immoral induce these men to have immoral relationships --> this leads to “excessive negative energy” in some part of the world --> to get rid of such immoral people, Nature-God creates an earth quake, called a BQ.




So if Boobs could create earth quake, they must be really powerful. However, there are many smaller disasters, yet dangerous ones, that we encounter due to the Boob effect. Some of them are follows:

Boob-Warden effect

When in REC Trichy, There was this dear friend called Dayanandam, who, during weekends, used to get us CDs that induced immorality into all of us. We used to call him Daya TV. We watched Daya TV in the common TV room – which had a single TV in a room & catered to 250 odd students who lived in that hostel. Daya TV has had a lot of impact when it came to “unifying” us and in creating long lasting friendship bond. Irrespective of whether we were Southies or Northies, whether we were juniors or seniors, whether we were in computer science or metallurgy, what unified all of us was Daya TV. Except when Daya TV was played, there was never a consensus of what we could watch in the channel. Sun TV mid-night masala was the only other programme which had at least some consensus, what so ever.

During the peak of such immorality, some times, the Warden lands up in the hostel. People who are in the last row or who are standing on the chairs & struggling to see the TV from behind, are often lucky to spot him from a distance and without making a noise, they slowly walk out of the room like the Zoo Zoos. But some people, like we mallus, who often reserved our front row seats in Daya TV, that too well in advance, (by paying Rs 5 per head to Daya in bulk) often fail to notice the people walking out from rows behind. Suddenly you notice that someone has put his palm on your shoulder. You shrug it off without turning back. He puts it again. You shrug again. Now someone has put all the lights on. You turn back and shout – “Put it off” – only to see the warden behind.

Warden: What are you watching?
Arun: CD..sir..
Warden: I can see that..
Arun: err..do you want to see more..err..sir?
Warden: Want to see. Not me. But the dean wants to see.
Arun: Why sir? He’s old no?
Warden: He will want to see YOU, and your parents may be.
Arun: Sirrr...sorry sir...
Warden: See me at my office tomorrow at 10 am.
Arun: Sir..sir...

Warden walks away. The guys come back. Show continues..

Such a situation when just 6 of us are taken to the Dean’s office is called Boob-Warden effect. Though not as disastrous as a Boob Quake, this can even lead to your rustication. But since our Dean was more keen on “advising” us in a genuine way, all we had to endure was a 1 hr gyan session.

Boob-Pyramid effect

While doing MBA, you often have beautiful lady visiting lecturers, who come and teach you courses like “Business Communication”, “consumer behaviour”, “marketing research”, “brand management” etc. When in such a lecture, while the young lady corporate honcho is seriously explaining the Concept of "Fortune at the bottom of the pyramid", often our attention is not on the CK Prahlad’s pyramid, but on some other pyramids which are making their presence felt.

That’s exactly when you hear your name: “Arun! Can you please come to the dais and attempt to explain what bottom of the pyramid means?” (for the uninitiated, bottom of the pyramid by CK Prahlad talks about much demand coming from the lower sections of the society which includes the lower middle class, villagers etc)

Lady: Arun, please explain the pyramid concept?
Arun: The larger demand will come for the bigger ..boo.. err..pyramids.
Lady: “for” or “from”?
Arun: “for” i guess..
Lady: Why ?
Arun: men like larger pyramids..i mean bottom of the pyramid is..err.. larger
Lady: by “men” you mean people..?
Arun: yeah..may be.. a few ladies too, may be..yes..so it makes both men and women who are interested in pyramids..
Lady: Bottom is larger why?
Arun: err..some ppl in the society have larger bottoms..err..fortune is there...
Lady: Ok..good. So you were atleast listening..

Without having any clue on what a bottom of the pyramid means, sometime you can still afford to get out of the situation. This situation is called Boob-Pyramid effect. It can at times be extremely embarrassing at times, though.

Boob Economics

When you are happily married or if you are seriously dating a girl, often you end up in a mall or a movie pavilion with her where there is exceptionally high supply of bigger boobs. She would invariable have noticed this even much before you have and would have anticipated your reaction too.

So at that time she would try to get your attention with some sympathy:

GF: “Aroo, y’day was my appraisal, my boss gave me just a A- when the stupid Ruchika got A+”.
Aru (looking elsewhere): “Oh..baby..i cant see her. You can” ?
GF: “I SAID my boss gave her A+. And A- to me”
Aru (not listening): “Your boss is also here ?”


At that time, to reduce the spike of “immorality”, nature has caused you to suddenly feel that a large LVMH hand bag was just thrown on you. Before you could realise, your GF has taken a cab and ordered “Versova”. This effect has now led to you reducing your sudden spurt in demand and finding an equilibrium. Boob Equilibrium.

Ufff. Quite dangerous they can be!

Sania, Mania and Shoania..

Sania Mania, Shoania

Interesting piece of art, Mr. Shoaib Malik! I guess your story is one of its kind. An all time saga like DDLJ. But, With your permission, I am taking this opportunity to analyse your version of the story bit-by-bit in order to explain the finer nuances to the less creative audience for their finer appreciation. Excerpts from TOI interview with Shoaib.

“This relationship started on the telephone, in the year 2001. I was in Sharjah at that time, with the Pakistan cricket team. She telephoned me, introduced herself as Ayesha, and told me that she was a fan of mine, who lived in Saudi Arabia. That's how we got talking.”

Very Cool. So I am assuming Ayesha was one of thousand girls who clung on to you because of the “axe" effect that you had. I am also presuming that almost 900+ of these would be better looking than Ayesha. Btw, Good! You got talking – just talking. And I also wonder how she could easily get through to you on phone, in Sharjah, that too without your permission. If you can share this secret, i’d also love to reach out to say, Sonam Kapoor or Katrina Kaif.

“As we started talking more and more, Ayesha sent me some photographs, which she said were of herself. I haven't met the girl in the photographs, not to this day.”

Very Cool. When you have 900+ female fans trying to reach you, touch you, smell you and marry you, You were more keen on “talking”, "more and more" with Ayesha alone. And like most losers in facebook, you too kept drooling over a few photographs sent by a random girl whose existence you weren’t sure about. Why did god make you a big cricketer? For this? This is an era where the executive assistant of Dhoni is getting to change girls faster than his shirts. And you tell me that you wasted your life talking. Talking to which part of Ayesha btw?

“When I returned to Pakistan after the Sharjah tournament, I showed my parents the photographs Ayesha had sent me. I told them that I liked this girl. We spoke every single day. I kept pushing her to meet me, but she resisted it. She said we'll meet at our shaadi.”

Very Cool. I presume sharjah tournament lasted for 2-3 weeks, at max. I understand that In 2-3 weeks time, you “talked” to her a few times. And was such a short period good enough for you to muster the courage and take her photographs to your parents? And, you also decided to marry her based on 2 weeks conversation??? I thought you were busy playing (hopefully cricket) then.

And she also wanted to meet you only at wedding? Was she still under the hangover of her previous birth in 1927, where couples met each other only during wedding? But the pace of you guys progressing to a wedding in just 2-3 weeks is like living in 2127. Interesting blend of past and future. You never explored Live-in btw?

“Who is the girl in the photographs?
I thought it was Ayesha Siddiqui, the girl I was talking to. But now I honestly don't know”

Very cool again. You din't know who was in the photographs. And you din't bother to verify either. And still you decided to marry her. That too within 3 weeks. That too turning your back to the 900 other beautiful, sexy, dedicated sirens. You still have time boy, better late than never!

“You were talking every day to a girl you were interested in, didn't you want to meet her?
Of course I did. In 2002, I can't remember the exact date, I came to Hyderabad with the sole intention of meeting Ayesha. Just before I left Pakistan, she called me and told me she had to rush to Saudi Arabia on urgent work. She told me that her cousins, Reema and Maha apa (meaning older sister) would take me around. I then asked her cousins and parents where she was, and they said that in the last year she had put on a lot of weight, because of which she didn't want to meet me. I told them that I had photographs of her, and that she looked fine. But they said the photographs were of a year ago. A year or so later, I travelled to Hyderabad. Again, I was met by Reema and Maha apa. Ayesha gave me the same excuse, saying she hadn't lost the weight she had put on, because of which she didn't want to meet me.”

Yet another nice sixer!! You decided to get married in mid-2001, after 2-3 weeks of talking. And you did not try to meet her until mid-2002? So what made you postpone your marriage plans to 2002? And i realize that she didn’t agree to meet you in 2002 too. So you met her cousins, did time pass and then again decided to drool over an old photograph of hers for yet another year? And no "axe" fan girl impressed you in this meanwhile?

So loyal and dedicated you are. I’d have picked up 3 or 4 from my “axe” following and would even have made up and broken up with 3-4 more in those 2 years. Such a naivete !! Are you trying to be SRK type husband material ? The K Jo and Gauri will prove you wrong.

"Were you alright with not meeting her?
Before Pakistan's tour of India (2005), I told my brother-in-law that we should visit India, meet the girl and formalise the relationship. My brother-in-law Imran Zaffer had to come to New Delhi on work. He called Ayesha and told her he would be coming to Hyderabad. The day before he was to come here, she called and told him that she had to leave to the United States on urgent work. My brother-in-law wasn't very happy, but since his tickets were already booked he came to Hyderabad. She had told him she would leave her cell phone with her cousin Maha. Then, I got here for the Tour. In a game in Hyderabad, the day before the Pakistan cricket team was invited to the Siddiquis house for dinner, I won the man of the match. When I collected the award, I said that it is good that this happened in my wife's city"

Yet another Bouncer. So 4 years passed and you still had not met her even once. Boy i completed the entire electronics engg course in 4 years. And my friend completed a phD in understanding sexual habits of deep sea under water snakes. And you had not even met her!

And you were also proud to have been chosen man-of-the-match in your never-met-phone-wed-wife’s city. And your wife Ayesha always kept travelling whenever you visited to her city. So you never bothered to make an unannounced visit ever to check on the genuineness ? Not even once in the 4 years? That too after marriage?

“When did you get married?
This episode happened in 2002. Ayesha wanted us to get married. While I definitely wanted to marry her, I didn't want to rush into it. For one, I hadn't met her. She suggested that we could do a telephone nikah right away. There was no way I could tell my parents about a telephone nikah, because it's not the way they wanted me to get married. I was just 20 then, and under a lot of pressure from Ayesha to get married as she was saying that her family was losing face in Hyderabad as word had got around that we were courting. I walked out of my house one morning in June 2002, and went to my friend's shop and called from there. I got a nikahnama, signed it, thinking the girl I was marrying was the one in the photographs.

In Muslim law, this arrangement doesn't work no matter what paper may or may not be there simply because, when the proposal was made, the image in my head was the girl in the photographs, but the girl, who was accepting the proposal was someone else. That's cheating.”

Now, we are Clean bowled! You guys were talking on phone. And how the hell did her family and friends come to know that you were "courting" ? In India, even after couples marry, the friends and family seldom come to know. In Bombay, they don’t come to know it even after divorces and re-marriages happen. And we should believe that in your case the phone calls exposed your courtship and her family started losing face? Were your phone calls continuously been published live in 98.3 FM or something? Bajate raho!

You performed a nikahnama on phone. In India companies do not hire even temporary staff without face to face meeting. Or are you saying that Pak is a more technologically advanced nation that things get finalised on phone calls and Video Conferences? I repent having gone to Bangalore last week to meet a girl that my mom suggested. I should have met, married and had a kid with her over phone. Such a waste of money! Anyway i am happy that you did not marry through the internet or fax or Cable TV. Or radio/wireless.

If you were anyways ready to marry based on an "image-in-your-head", you could have thought of Aishwarya Rai or Kareena Kapoor for that matter. Atleast that would have made your marriage a more pleasurable and exotic one. Seen the movie "a beautiful mind?"

“It is the truth as I lived it. My mistake is my innocence. Part of me is really, really angry, for what I have put my family and my (to be) in-laws, they have all been so sweet and supportive. I want to say this one thing, this is my first marriage.”

Other Miscellaneous possibilities:

Our lady had a miscarriage sometime back. I hope Shoaib doesn’t come up with the story of test-tube baby:

“Since the siddiqui’s put pressure on me for not having a child even after 3 years of Nikahnama, i sent some samples to Hyderabad to perform a test-tube baby thing. I was just 20 and was young and naive you see...I even went to Hyderabad to give the samples personally. But she went to Ludhiana for some urgent work. Later i sent the samples through my brother. But she went to Pondicherry. Finally i had to courier the sample. “

Our lady has evidence that Shoaib and she stayed in Taj together for a few days. Shoaib could come up with the following story:

“ I spent a few days with a girl in Taj. Initially i though she was Ayesha. After two days i thought she’s ayesha’s sister Maha apa. Later i thought only the voice is ayesha’s and she’s actually Maha apa-square (added 100 pounds). But finally when i checked out i realised she was maha apa-cube (added 200 pounds). And the Invoice she sent to me for 3 days of escorting said she was

Limit (Patience à infinity), d/dx of (Maha apa ^ 2x). But I paid Rs 30,000 per day, though. And 20,000 per extra session"

Actually what could have transpired between them:

1) Met the lady in 2001 during sharjah

2) Had a nice time with her for 1-2 weeks while the tournament was on

3) The Apparatus got loaded and the mis-carriage happened

4) "S" had to visit 3-4 times to Hyderabad to sort out things without the press knowing it

5) Finally yielded to a marriage as a compromise – "S " doesn’t have to follow monogamy you see.

6) Now wanted to marry Sania

7) Lady asked for 8 crores. "S" offered only 4.

8) Negotiations failed. Lady walked out.

9) News hit the press. And "S" took the help of a bollywood script writer.

My humble advice: Shoaib, learn from stalwarts like Tigerwoods, David backham etc. Get a life.

Sania side of the story? For every "Axe" fling cleave that Shoaid served to Sania, she had a equally strong adidas T-shirt to hit back. Shoaib had sexy sirens after him. Sania had powerful businessmen and cricketers and bollywood guys behind her.

Shoaib to Sania: "Hey..while i was in Hyd last month, i stayed in the Taj. for 3 days."

(meaning - I came to Hyd last month & you did not know. I stayed with Maha, maha apa and ayesha - 1 day each)

Sania to Shoaib: "While in Australia, I stayed in the Marriott. 4 nights and 3 days."

(meaning - I went to Austalia & i spent time with 7 different people. You wasted time with the Mahas)

KKKB: The IPL Team of Kochi, of Malayalees..

Malayalees , like Maha Kumbhmela, have been represented in the Indian Cricket team now and then with a decade’s gap in between. Their representation in Indian team has been as scarce as water in Chennai, land in Mumbai or clothing in Florida. Like the banana chips, Malayali cricketers were exposed to the non-kerala world only once in a while, as in when a friend returned from Kochi after Onam season or when a colleague visited Munnar on vacation. The first cricket banana chip from kerala to the world was S Ramesh, followed by Yohannan after a decade and after another hiatus, our young sreekumaran sreesanth.

Somehow, we malayalees are never comfortable with any sport (or any activity for that matter) that requires too much of “sporting” ensemble (!!). You require us to put on the pads on the thighs, hips and arms, and then wear a jersey, then boots, then helmet, and then plug in a groin guard too? And then stand under the sun for 4 hrs? What !! No beer for continuous 8 hours while the match is on? No Lungi breaks in between to free-up our legs in the interval? And rigorous exercise daily, too? Have to obey the captain? Have to speak to him in Hindi? Can’t change shirts after every 1 hr? Can’t watch news in Manorama News channel every 1 hr? My god!

Don’t you realise that if we malayalees devote too much time on sports and other stuff, then in that gap, Left (CPI-M) could take over the Right (Cong) and vice-versa - The whole ministry could collapse in that gap. If we watch matches or play sports or long, then who in the world will be left to critically do the real time analysis of the implications of Obama’s recent healthcare policy or comment on Saudi’s Oil production policy or explain the effect of falling rubber prices. And don’t you realise that every hour spent in a grant hotel's bar doing such productive analysis and discussions results in Rs 80 Crores of alcohol-tax to state revenue’s kitty. How many roads/bridges can be made with that kind of money? Who will compensate for that? And who will compensate for the lives of 5000 odd waiters in kerala who survive only with the fat tips that we leave?

And you say we should try our hands in sports? We will. At least give us something comfortable to wear no! In this scorching summer!! Like a lungi, for instance, which makes it comfortable to run around (score quick singles, on the field and off the field – when no one’s looking) and play football well, especially when it is folded up. And, haven’t we excelled in football just because of lungi? Unfortunately, we couldn’t represent or win the world cup b’cos of the stringent dress-code that FIFA has and of course they say that alcohol is banned during the 24-hour match duration. Now is that our fault? We, unlike others, always keep a steady head even if we are drunk.

But finally, after much peer pressure from rest of the world, we have decided to do well in Sports. And the Kochi IPL team is the first step towards this. Doesnt it reflect our acute business acumen and shrewdness when we won the bid of Rs 1533 cr for the team? Even Mukesh Ambani bid only Rs 450 Cr for the Mumbai team. We did 3 times that for Kochi team and did Kerala proud - We malayalees don’t hesitate to spend. What is wrong in spending a lot of money even if it results in losses? We do derive a lot of intellectual stimulation and conversations out of these activities. We get to meet new people, see new drink joints and do networking. Today’s losses will be covered up later on by opening a Speciality-prawn-export firm jointly with the newly found contact/ friend.

In the past we have lost several crores in uncompleted Real estate ventures, export business, rubber, paper and diamond businesses. We tried to start IT MNC companies in 2002 and made losses there too. Unlike we malayalees, the bloody US CEOs started negotiating with us on the prices we quoted for our new “Lowgistics” software. We malayalees do not negotiate or encourage negotiation, Even at the cost of losses. The US CEO's loss.


We have set up 243 engineering colleges in the state and finally managed to start losing money there too, lavishly. We have set up 1,536 ayurvedic spas in the last 1 year and lost money elegantly. We have started manufacturing companies and closed them cooly down due to union problems. Lost billions there. You are testing our loss making skill sets? Grow up boy.


Now, our strategy for the IPL game? Here you go:


We plan to name our team, KKK Bros, vis-a-vis KKR or Kolkata. KKK stands for Kottarathil Kunnath Kings Brothers in the memory of the great great grand father of the team’s main sponsor (Kunnath group) who started the visionary business of gold mortgaging (pawn) in the village of Kunnath Kavu near Kochi. Now there are 14 medical colleges, 24 rubber estates, 21 engineering colleges, 3 NBFCs, 1 Bank and 12 real estate projects in the group’s portfolio. The eldest brother KK Varghese is the CEO and chairman. KK Mathews, the elder one is the Dy. CEO and KK Joy, the youngest is the director, finance.

Given below is the KKKB patriarch’s photograph:



Our Business Model or Strategy?

Our Business model is as given below. Agreed, we don't have cricket specialists. But we do have several talents and resources who have come together to make our IPL venture a great success. Team work, you know!

Our Brand Ambassador would be the youth sensation Mohanlal, aged 52, who is a part owner of the team too. He’ll bring in the much required fan following through mohanlal’s fan club which has 300,000 members. The team’s jersey will have our mascot – “Narasimham” (lion), which is the name of an all time hit by mohanlal.


Our attire would be plain white khadi shirt and starched-ironed-double mundu(dhoti). And paragon hawai chappals. (see the KKK's dress code launch photographs below). Atlas jewellery & Oceanic Builders and Developers have agreed to sponsor the Khadi white shirt which will have their logo & name written in Malayalam.

The double mundu (dhoti) will be sponsored by “Ramraj” brand of cotton mundus, which Mohanlal endorses.

The tickets will be priced at Rs 1500 which includes a cover of 3 larges of Brandy/ whisky along with Kappa-meen curry or Appam-stew or porotta-beef eating options.

5% of the seats will be reserved for KKB extended family and friends. 15% for NRIs. 15% for foreigners. 15% for sponsors & affiliates. 10% for ministers/MLAs/Prominent figures like leader, yesudas, mammootty, madhu, east coast vijayan, shashi tharoor etc.

Special royalty of 15% of revenues from all the bars in state that telecast the match.

Rs 100 cr package from Asianet Plus, which will have exclusive rights to telecast the match in Middle east, Kerala and Singapore.

Idea star singer fame Ranjini along with foot ball stalwart Pappachan will analyze the match during the breaks.

Advertising slots mass blocked by Jose Alukkas jewellers, Joy Alukkas jewellers, Francis Alukkas jewellers, Bhima jewellery, Alappat fashion jewellery and Malabar gold (where beauty meets quality, has mohanlal is the ambassador again) Kalyan silks, Chennai silks, Jayalakshmy silks, Seematti Bridal collections, Remaika bridal wear, Oceanus builders, MIR developers, Si Homes, Confident real estate, Skyline lifestyle homes and Apple Realtors.

Cheerleaders would comprise of the entire participant list from Idea star singer, season-4

The third umpire panel would comprise of MG sreekumar, sarath sir, and Usha Uthup.

Mimicry shows by Kalabhavan and Music shows in the intervals by MG Sreekumar and Radhika tilak.

The team’s coaching would be by a panel of ex-Ranji Trophy players. In order not antagonize anyone in particular, the panel would comprise of 47 people.


Let us know if you can refer to us a few good players, who are exceptionally smart, and who have thick moustache. They should be aggressive and should have professional qualification like Engg/ Medicine or atleast MSc.


Amitabh bachan and mammotty officially releasing KKK’s uniform:

How to fold up Mundu before entering the field:

Shaadi, aur Tumse? Kabhi Nahin..

Fortunately for them, most of my friends ended up in marrying girls who they loved and who are opposite to them in most all ways. The opposites attracted each other, and culminated in marriages. Like SS, who we used to call a word in mallu, that meant “Night” or "Dark", is as dark as his pet-name is. He was (not anymore) as mallu as one could be. He spoke the Trivandrum slang of Malayalam and relied on special kappa-meen (Tapioca + Fish) delicacies. And ended up marrying someone whom we could easily call a “Day”. She is as bright as her name could-be, as north-indian as possible and didn’t know what appam or Kappa was. Or who Mohanlal is. The only Kappa she knew was the greek alphabet and Mohanlal she thought was the cousin of Pyare-lal. Now she knows Mohanlal and he knows Daler Mehndi. Happy family.

And another friend of mine, PT, slim and handsome, ended up marrying a reasonably fat woman. Of course the lady’s smart, intelligent and caring. But he was none of these. Again opposites. But love bug bit. And got married. Yet another friend, from a properly religious, traditional, south family. His religion even bans drinking. And he was the one who we thought would never fall in love ever. Yet, his heart (i think after meeting her he finally got one) was stolen by yet another Punjabi girl. Mallu’s and Panju’s have a strong connection it seems.

Now, I wasn’t all that fortunate to fall in Love with someone for a long period that could graduate into marriage. After my share of make-ups and break-ups, I decided to finally take the arranged marriage route. Here, we look for similarities than for opposites. If you say Mohanlal and she says Aamir Khan, then despite the fact that you are both Tams, the deals is off. She sends an sms, “I am sorry Arun. Shaadi, aur tumse? Kabhi Nahin (SATKN)”.

Now some interesting snippets of my arranged marriage searches. The probability of you marrying any girl is only 1%. Horoscope matching probability is just 30%. She having a job/education/ character that you like is 25%. She looking good or even looking average is another 30%. And finally, the probability of she liking you is 50%. The total probability is a tint less that 1%. Some stories:

“Dad, i searched bharati matrimony (BM) and found the following profiles interesting” I tell my dad now and then. After which Dad sends a mail to those profiles:

“Dear sir, my son has liked your daughter’s profile. Can you kindly send a photo of your daughter along with the horoscope”.

Her dad replies, “Dear Mr. Iyer, many thanks for the mail. Please find my daughter, Sow: Chitra’s photo attached”. My Dad calls me, “Arun, i am forwarding the photo to you. She looks very good.” When i finally open the photo, i see a dark, short, slightly fat woman, who looks like in her late 30s. “Daaad....” I say to which he responds, “What is her problem...she looks good. Even your mother liked her”. And ofcourse, Ipsita Nayak, who sits next to you in the office also looks at you with a sarcastic smile followed by a comment, "Arun, so howz your search progressing ?"

Another reply from R K Iyer. This time the photo is good and I tell my dad to arrange for her phone number. But my dad yells. “As per our astrologer, her Mars and your venus are in the 3rd house (living together?). Moreover, the Saturn from 8th house is facing the 3rd house (voyuering on them i guess?). Hence this horoscope is totally a no-no.

Another reply – photo is good - to which my astrologer says, “She is likely to have split personality and hence my advice is to not proceed." The girl is working in London. And this is the only opportunity to vacation in Venice. And this astrologer, sitting here in a suburb, says she could have split personality – without even meeting or talking to her. All just by finding out which house the Uranus is shitting. I mean sitting. Does he even know how an evening in Paris would be, with a girl?

A reply from Mr Murthy arrives. Girl’s photo is quite good – though she didn’t seem to be too big hearted (!!) Our Astrologer has hesitantly given an ok. I am happy. But this time, the girl’s astrologer has found Jupiter facing Moon and warned of a slim possibility of the boy’s dad meeting with a danger. To which my mom reacts. “We are not proceeding with this! Period!”

After all this long drawn efforts & fights, i finally got 3-4 profiles where the girl did marginally cross my looks-profile cut-off, my dad’s family-background cut-off, where Jupiter didn’t screw the mars etc etc. But then the following happened:

Radhika Sharma did respond positively for 3 weeks. We met at coffee shops, wine bars etc. All was well. I was perfectly okay with the fact that she liked only heavy metal and i liked only carnatic. I was okay that she worked only at nights and i worked on days. She loved only Mexican and i loved only South Indian food. One day she visited my home. All was well. With a lot of effort, i behaved decently with her - Like a decent guy, i served her some wine, talked neat stuff with her and maintained 3 foot distance from her at all times! The next day she called and said, “You are too naive and nice with me. Even at your home. I don’t think we can take it forward. I like my guy to be a bit more aggressive.."

Aparna Iyer too responded very positively. For 3 weeks. She too loved carnatic music. She was vegetarian. She was good looking. She visited my house. Being an MBA, and having learnt from past, I did not maintain the 3 foot distance this time. And I didnt want her to question my aggression. The next day she sent an sms the next day saying, “Sorry. Not possible to proceed”.

Vidya Raman was perfectly fine for 1 week. One day i casually asked her if ever she had a met any other boy in this arranged marriage route before she met me. Next day Mr. Raman called me up and said it was too rude of me to have asked such a question to her little innocent child. It seems Vidya cried all night. Alas!! Awww! Apparently she had been brought up like a "Ms. Chatur" of 3 idiots. She always topped exams. Never knew what a boyfriend meant. I think this happened for my good or else i would have had to sign the "declaration of defeat" memo now and then in life!

Ambika Venkatraman wasn’t as sensitive as Vidya was. She chatted. She met me 2-3 times. All was ok. I also balanced my position between 0.5-1.5 foot distances from her. And practised controlled agression this time. All was well. One day she said she was talking to 5-6 guys and has decided to proceed with one of them. The CCD and phone bills were mine. The choice of guy was alas hers.

Seema Viswanath, on the other hand said i was the first guy she ever met. And for that matter she needed time to decide. I kept footing Barista bills, Ivy cheques, China gate cash, and Cross word memos. One day she asked, would i settle abroad, to which i said Not likely. And the next day she said she didn’t get a wave-length synergy. But to make me feel good, she admitted that i was nice. But since i was the first guy, she clearly hinted that she didn’t want to proceed before checking out a few more in the market.

Reshma Iyer was nice. Met her one day. I Couldn’t understand most of what she talked as she is a Doctor and myself an engineer. She too asked me if i'd like to settle abroad, I immediately said Yes. Then I told her that i might go abroad after a few years for another MBA or so and then continue working there for a few years. Next day her dad called my dad. File closed. Doctors and CAs don’t like shifting, as they are no longer doctors in other countries.

Sunita Narayanan was nice too. I met her one day. For me, the frequency didn’t match at all. But next day her dad called and said she’s ok with me and wants to keep the engagement the coming Sunday. I was shocked and begged myself out of the 20-20 game they adopted. They were faster than asteriod that created SRK crater on the moon.

In short:

Touch her not, she may not like;

Touch her, and she’ll just leave you;

Talk to her liberally; she’ll think you are too talkative;

Don’t talk to her and she’ll say you are an introvert;

Ask her about herself and you are too interrogative;

Don’t ask her about herself and your wavelength is different;

Go abroad and she’ll dislike you;

Stay in India and she’ll say nothing-different-about you;

But always remember, the Cafe frappe bill is yours;

Thou not get married, but never go for arranged one.

Some Typical conversations with the girls:

Girl-1: I love mexican food.

Arun: I love them too.. Infact they are my favv (!!)

Girl-1: Tell me whats your fav dish?

Arun: You tell me yours first! Then i'll tell you..

Girl-1: Avocados Salsa, Guacamole..

Arun: Yes, i too love salsa. I even enrolled and went for 4 classes

Girl-1: Arun, I am talking about the food.

Arun: Oh..ya..ya...(thinking....) I like that too..

Girl-1: Have you tried Guacamole?

Arun: Yes yes.. (just spilled out some coffee from the mouth), that green colored dish right?

Girl-1: No, it red.

Arun: Ya ya. Red. I confused Gumoolar for Guacamole..

Girl-2: I love heave metal.

Arun: Lead ? or Zinc?

Girl-2: Am talking about the music..

Arun: Oh ya. I love them too.. Infact they are my favv (!!)

Girl-2: Tell me whats your fav band?

Arun: You tell me yours first! Then i'll tell you..

Girl-2: Mega death, Deep Purple

Arun: Deep Purple has been my favv too..

Girl-2: Which Album

Arun: hmm..aahh.. Dangerous

Girl-2: That's MJ's

Arun: Yes yes, I meant, hmm (cough) (cough)...i like MJ too..I love pop

Girl-2: What other pop bands do you like?

Arun: Ya ya. Boys...street boys in the back..

Girl-2: Back Street Boys? Thats not POP

Arun: I know, i know...i was just naming another one band i like.

Arun: But tell me, which is your fav..(thinking)...hmm... "Mauve" song?

Girl-2: Pardon?

Arun: But tell me, which is your fav (thinking hard)..hmm.. "Maroon" song?

Girl-2: Pardon?

Arun: But tell me, which is your fav (finally got it) "Purple" song?

Girl-2: Excuse me?

Arun: But tell me, which is your fav (after thinking again) "Pink Purple" song?

Girl-2: Excuse me? You mean Deep Purple?

Arun: Oh ya ya.

Girl-3: I am pursuing PhD in Biomed.

Arun: Wow. thats great.

Girl-3: I am a part in formulating some new generic

Arun: Wow. thats great

Girl-3: Its a part of Oncology research

Arun: What ongoing research did you say?

Girl-3: Oncology

Arun: hmm..aahh.. Wow..

Girl-3: I specialise in Interventional Oncology

Arun: Wow..

Girl-3: What aspects of medicine do you know

Arun: Wow..

Girl-3: Arun, are you listening

Arun: Wow... (cough)(cough).. Yes!!..YYYes..