Sania, Mania and Shoania..

Sania Mania, Shoania

Interesting piece of art, Mr. Shoaib Malik! I guess your story is one of its kind. An all time saga like DDLJ. But, With your permission, I am taking this opportunity to analyse your version of the story bit-by-bit in order to explain the finer nuances to the less creative audience for their finer appreciation. Excerpts from TOI interview with Shoaib.

“This relationship started on the telephone, in the year 2001. I was in Sharjah at that time, with the Pakistan cricket team. She telephoned me, introduced herself as Ayesha, and told me that she was a fan of mine, who lived in Saudi Arabia. That's how we got talking.”

Very Cool. So I am assuming Ayesha was one of thousand girls who clung on to you because of the “axe" effect that you had. I am also presuming that almost 900+ of these would be better looking than Ayesha. Btw, Good! You got talking – just talking. And I also wonder how she could easily get through to you on phone, in Sharjah, that too without your permission. If you can share this secret, i’d also love to reach out to say, Sonam Kapoor or Katrina Kaif.

“As we started talking more and more, Ayesha sent me some photographs, which she said were of herself. I haven't met the girl in the photographs, not to this day.”

Very Cool. When you have 900+ female fans trying to reach you, touch you, smell you and marry you, You were more keen on “talking”, "more and more" with Ayesha alone. And like most losers in facebook, you too kept drooling over a few photographs sent by a random girl whose existence you weren’t sure about. Why did god make you a big cricketer? For this? This is an era where the executive assistant of Dhoni is getting to change girls faster than his shirts. And you tell me that you wasted your life talking. Talking to which part of Ayesha btw?

“When I returned to Pakistan after the Sharjah tournament, I showed my parents the photographs Ayesha had sent me. I told them that I liked this girl. We spoke every single day. I kept pushing her to meet me, but she resisted it. She said we'll meet at our shaadi.”

Very Cool. I presume sharjah tournament lasted for 2-3 weeks, at max. I understand that In 2-3 weeks time, you “talked” to her a few times. And was such a short period good enough for you to muster the courage and take her photographs to your parents? And, you also decided to marry her based on 2 weeks conversation??? I thought you were busy playing (hopefully cricket) then.

And she also wanted to meet you only at wedding? Was she still under the hangover of her previous birth in 1927, where couples met each other only during wedding? But the pace of you guys progressing to a wedding in just 2-3 weeks is like living in 2127. Interesting blend of past and future. You never explored Live-in btw?

“Who is the girl in the photographs?
I thought it was Ayesha Siddiqui, the girl I was talking to. But now I honestly don't know”

Very cool again. You din't know who was in the photographs. And you din't bother to verify either. And still you decided to marry her. That too within 3 weeks. That too turning your back to the 900 other beautiful, sexy, dedicated sirens. You still have time boy, better late than never!

“You were talking every day to a girl you were interested in, didn't you want to meet her?
Of course I did. In 2002, I can't remember the exact date, I came to Hyderabad with the sole intention of meeting Ayesha. Just before I left Pakistan, she called me and told me she had to rush to Saudi Arabia on urgent work. She told me that her cousins, Reema and Maha apa (meaning older sister) would take me around. I then asked her cousins and parents where she was, and they said that in the last year she had put on a lot of weight, because of which she didn't want to meet me. I told them that I had photographs of her, and that she looked fine. But they said the photographs were of a year ago. A year or so later, I travelled to Hyderabad. Again, I was met by Reema and Maha apa. Ayesha gave me the same excuse, saying she hadn't lost the weight she had put on, because of which she didn't want to meet me.”

Yet another nice sixer!! You decided to get married in mid-2001, after 2-3 weeks of talking. And you did not try to meet her until mid-2002? So what made you postpone your marriage plans to 2002? And i realize that she didn’t agree to meet you in 2002 too. So you met her cousins, did time pass and then again decided to drool over an old photograph of hers for yet another year? And no "axe" fan girl impressed you in this meanwhile?

So loyal and dedicated you are. I’d have picked up 3 or 4 from my “axe” following and would even have made up and broken up with 3-4 more in those 2 years. Such a naivete !! Are you trying to be SRK type husband material ? The K Jo and Gauri will prove you wrong.

"Were you alright with not meeting her?
Before Pakistan's tour of India (2005), I told my brother-in-law that we should visit India, meet the girl and formalise the relationship. My brother-in-law Imran Zaffer had to come to New Delhi on work. He called Ayesha and told her he would be coming to Hyderabad. The day before he was to come here, she called and told him that she had to leave to the United States on urgent work. My brother-in-law wasn't very happy, but since his tickets were already booked he came to Hyderabad. She had told him she would leave her cell phone with her cousin Maha. Then, I got here for the Tour. In a game in Hyderabad, the day before the Pakistan cricket team was invited to the Siddiquis house for dinner, I won the man of the match. When I collected the award, I said that it is good that this happened in my wife's city"

Yet another Bouncer. So 4 years passed and you still had not met her even once. Boy i completed the entire electronics engg course in 4 years. And my friend completed a phD in understanding sexual habits of deep sea under water snakes. And you had not even met her!

And you were also proud to have been chosen man-of-the-match in your never-met-phone-wed-wife’s city. And your wife Ayesha always kept travelling whenever you visited to her city. So you never bothered to make an unannounced visit ever to check on the genuineness ? Not even once in the 4 years? That too after marriage?

“When did you get married?
This episode happened in 2002. Ayesha wanted us to get married. While I definitely wanted to marry her, I didn't want to rush into it. For one, I hadn't met her. She suggested that we could do a telephone nikah right away. There was no way I could tell my parents about a telephone nikah, because it's not the way they wanted me to get married. I was just 20 then, and under a lot of pressure from Ayesha to get married as she was saying that her family was losing face in Hyderabad as word had got around that we were courting. I walked out of my house one morning in June 2002, and went to my friend's shop and called from there. I got a nikahnama, signed it, thinking the girl I was marrying was the one in the photographs.

In Muslim law, this arrangement doesn't work no matter what paper may or may not be there simply because, when the proposal was made, the image in my head was the girl in the photographs, but the girl, who was accepting the proposal was someone else. That's cheating.”

Now, we are Clean bowled! You guys were talking on phone. And how the hell did her family and friends come to know that you were "courting" ? In India, even after couples marry, the friends and family seldom come to know. In Bombay, they don’t come to know it even after divorces and re-marriages happen. And we should believe that in your case the phone calls exposed your courtship and her family started losing face? Were your phone calls continuously been published live in 98.3 FM or something? Bajate raho!

You performed a nikahnama on phone. In India companies do not hire even temporary staff without face to face meeting. Or are you saying that Pak is a more technologically advanced nation that things get finalised on phone calls and Video Conferences? I repent having gone to Bangalore last week to meet a girl that my mom suggested. I should have met, married and had a kid with her over phone. Such a waste of money! Anyway i am happy that you did not marry through the internet or fax or Cable TV. Or radio/wireless.

If you were anyways ready to marry based on an "image-in-your-head", you could have thought of Aishwarya Rai or Kareena Kapoor for that matter. Atleast that would have made your marriage a more pleasurable and exotic one. Seen the movie "a beautiful mind?"

“It is the truth as I lived it. My mistake is my innocence. Part of me is really, really angry, for what I have put my family and my (to be) in-laws, they have all been so sweet and supportive. I want to say this one thing, this is my first marriage.”

Other Miscellaneous possibilities:

Our lady had a miscarriage sometime back. I hope Shoaib doesn’t come up with the story of test-tube baby:

“Since the siddiqui’s put pressure on me for not having a child even after 3 years of Nikahnama, i sent some samples to Hyderabad to perform a test-tube baby thing. I was just 20 and was young and naive you see...I even went to Hyderabad to give the samples personally. But she went to Ludhiana for some urgent work. Later i sent the samples through my brother. But she went to Pondicherry. Finally i had to courier the sample. “

Our lady has evidence that Shoaib and she stayed in Taj together for a few days. Shoaib could come up with the following story:

“ I spent a few days with a girl in Taj. Initially i though she was Ayesha. After two days i thought she’s ayesha’s sister Maha apa. Later i thought only the voice is ayesha’s and she’s actually Maha apa-square (added 100 pounds). But finally when i checked out i realised she was maha apa-cube (added 200 pounds). And the Invoice she sent to me for 3 days of escorting said she was

Limit (Patience à infinity), d/dx of (Maha apa ^ 2x). But I paid Rs 30,000 per day, though. And 20,000 per extra session"

Actually what could have transpired between them:

1) Met the lady in 2001 during sharjah

2) Had a nice time with her for 1-2 weeks while the tournament was on

3) The Apparatus got loaded and the mis-carriage happened

4) "S" had to visit 3-4 times to Hyderabad to sort out things without the press knowing it

5) Finally yielded to a marriage as a compromise – "S " doesn’t have to follow monogamy you see.

6) Now wanted to marry Sania

7) Lady asked for 8 crores. "S" offered only 4.

8) Negotiations failed. Lady walked out.

9) News hit the press. And "S" took the help of a bollywood script writer.

My humble advice: Shoaib, learn from stalwarts like Tigerwoods, David backham etc. Get a life.

Sania side of the story? For every "Axe" fling cleave that Shoaid served to Sania, she had a equally strong adidas T-shirt to hit back. Shoaib had sexy sirens after him. Sania had powerful businessmen and cricketers and bollywood guys behind her.

Shoaib to Sania: "Hey..while i was in Hyd last month, i stayed in the Taj. for 3 days."

(meaning - I came to Hyd last month & you did not know. I stayed with Maha, maha apa and ayesha - 1 day each)

Sania to Shoaib: "While in Australia, I stayed in the Marriott. 4 nights and 3 days."

(meaning - I went to Austalia & i spent time with 7 different people. You wasted time with the Mahas)