May 21st, 2009.
The whole company is looking forward to a mega mega launch. Never befor seen launch. Critical for the company’s topline, neckline and bottoms. The Marketing team is busy dealing with heavy duty event management firms and advertising agencies to freeze on the branding stuff. Product team working on the confidential launch pricing and positioning. The Team of architects are freezing on the plans and technical details. Mega Launch planned for 23rd of May. Times of India front page is blocked for a huge amount. The sales team is planning to sell 1000 apartments between 23rd May and 31st may. Revenue estimates at 500 Crores in the ten day period. And yet, at 6.30 p.m. when everyone is in neck deep shit, with one more day to launch, we get an intrusive mail that’s high on importance and urgency:
“Last 1 day to register for the Inter departmental cricket tournament to be held between 23th and 26th of May. HODs (Head of Depts) kindly send their team list to the undersigned latest by 3 pm on 22nd May”
Often they are everywhere. Often they are nowhere. Often they arrive too earlier than required. Often they arrive too late. Who are they? They are the efficient HR teams of the top notch MNCs of the corporate world. They mostly do not know what the other departments do. and vice-versa. How better can a give-take relationship be?
The other day, I was surprised when I spotted an HR colleague of mine, sitting in his cubicle at 8 p.m. on one of those days. Usually, the HR team’s bell-curve office leaving pattern shows that the 1st member leaves a few minutes before 5.15 pm and the last member leaves a few minutes earlier than 6.00 PM. So finding Amit at 8 p.m. in his cubicle was a surprise:
Arun: Hey Amit. How come you are late today?
Amit: Arre yaar. I have a deadline. I have to finish something urgent before leaving.
Arun: What is it? Some appraisal thing?
Amit: I have to finalise the rules for inter department Tug-of-war to be held on Friday.
Arun: So have you finalised it?
Amit: Yes….more or less same as last year’s tug-of-war. I have to add 1 more new department and hence slightly modify the prelim schedule.
Arun: But how could they give you such a tight deadline for this yar?
Amit: I know. Next time if they do this, I’ll quit.
The next day I spotted Amit walking into office at 12 noon.
Arun: So did you finish it? How come late today?
Amit: I worked for 2-3 hrs extra yesterday no. so thought of coming in a bit late.
Arun: I am glad. You are quite overworked these days.
Amit: I KNoww !!!…next week I have to organize the painting competition and in June, I have to organize musical chair and Quiz. I guess I have so many night outs awaiting.
Arun: Poor you.
Intentionally or unintentionally, their (HR’s) schedule of work invariable works out similar to the following:
1) Inter departmental Cricket matches are organised during office hours when IPO DRHP is to be filed the following week.
The whole company is looking forward to a mega mega launch. Never befor seen launch. Critical for the company’s topline, neckline and bottoms. The Marketing team is busy dealing with heavy duty event management firms and advertising agencies to freeze on the branding stuff. Product team working on the confidential launch pricing and positioning. The Team of architects are freezing on the plans and technical details. Mega Launch planned for 23rd of May. Times of India front page is blocked for a huge amount. The sales team is planning to sell 1000 apartments between 23rd May and 31st may. Revenue estimates at 500 Crores in the ten day period. And yet, at 6.30 p.m. when everyone is in neck deep shit, with one more day to launch, we get an intrusive mail that’s high on importance and urgency:
“Last 1 day to register for the Inter departmental cricket tournament to be held between 23th and 26th of May. HODs (Head of Depts) kindly send their team list to the undersigned latest by 3 pm on 22nd May”
Often they are everywhere. Often they are nowhere. Often they arrive too earlier than required. Often they arrive too late. Who are they? They are the efficient HR teams of the top notch MNCs of the corporate world. They mostly do not know what the other departments do. and vice-versa. How better can a give-take relationship be?
The other day, I was surprised when I spotted an HR colleague of mine, sitting in his cubicle at 8 p.m. on one of those days. Usually, the HR team’s bell-curve office leaving pattern shows that the 1st member leaves a few minutes before 5.15 pm and the last member leaves a few minutes earlier than 6.00 PM. So finding Amit at 8 p.m. in his cubicle was a surprise:
Arun: Hey Amit. How come you are late today?
Amit: Arre yaar. I have a deadline. I have to finish something urgent before leaving.
Arun: What is it? Some appraisal thing?
Amit: I have to finalise the rules for inter department Tug-of-war to be held on Friday.
Arun: So have you finalised it?
Amit: Yes….more or less same as last year’s tug-of-war. I have to add 1 more new department and hence slightly modify the prelim schedule.
Arun: But how could they give you such a tight deadline for this yar?
Amit: I know. Next time if they do this, I’ll quit.
The next day I spotted Amit walking into office at 12 noon.
Arun: So did you finish it? How come late today?
Amit: I worked for 2-3 hrs extra yesterday no. so thought of coming in a bit late.
Arun: I am glad. You are quite overworked these days.
Amit: I KNoww !!!…next week I have to organize the painting competition and in June, I have to organize musical chair and Quiz. I guess I have so many night outs awaiting.
Arun: Poor you.
Intentionally or unintentionally, their (HR’s) schedule of work invariable works out similar to the following:
1) Inter departmental Cricket matches are organised during office hours when IPO DRHP is to be filed the following week.
2) Free physical fitness check ups to everyone during the week of a critical launch. Several clients are invited by the sales team on these days. But meetings rooms are all blocked for eye test, ear test, BMI, Nutrition and so on.
3) Performance Appraisal during the last week of March. This is when the Marketing team is working double hard to get the sales numbers. The finance team is getting their accounts and books right. But the Appraisal online system works only between 25th and 31st of march. After the deadline no appraisals or ratings could be entered in the system. You have to finish all your subordinates’ appraisals (per person takes atleast 3 hrs) with in 31st march. Or forgo your increment. Or promotion. Or both.
4) 8 people from each department in mandatory for every tug-of-war game that is organised during mission critical assignments.
July 24th 2009.
Company plans for IPO. The DRHP has been approved by SEBI and RHP needs to be filed in 2 days (on Monday). The Marketing team is busy planning the campaigns. The sales team is busy consolidating the last minute sales/ revenue/collection details. The Finance team is tweaking the valuation, price band etc. The investment banking and the lead banking partners are being invited; The advertising, PR agencies are literally working out of our office and burning the mid night oil. In the midst of all these, on a Friday 6.30 p.m., and we get another mail:
“The routine pest control exercise is being undertaken from 24th evening (Friday) 8.30 pm onwards to 8.30 pm on 25th (Saturday). Inconvenience regretted – But there would not be any food, water, power supply in the mentioned period”.
Who are they? This time, they are the efficient Admin team. Neighbor’s pride. Owner’s envy. Here, I was surprised when Tina from Admin was spotted late on one of the days.
Arun: Hey Tina. How come you are late today?
Tina: Arre yaar. I have a deadline. I have to finish some imp task.
Arun: What is it? Some housekeeping thing?
Tina: I have to estimate the number of water bottles & calculators to be brought for new joinees..
Arun: So have you finalised it?
Tina: Yes..more or less. I received the new joinee list from HR last week.
Arun: But then what’s the complication?
Tina: We are confused which vendor to choose. One is quoting Rs 21 per bottle and other is quoting Rs 23. So I have to close on one by today end.
Arun: But how could they give you such a tight deadline for this yar?
Tina: I know. Last week I left only at 11 PM – I was deciding whether to subscribe for India Today in office or not.
Arun: That’s a tough task.
Tina: You are so understanding, Arun. I wish my boss too was.
July 24th 2009.
Company plans for IPO. The DRHP has been approved by SEBI and RHP needs to be filed in 2 days (on Monday). The Marketing team is busy planning the campaigns. The sales team is busy consolidating the last minute sales/ revenue/collection details. The Finance team is tweaking the valuation, price band etc. The investment banking and the lead banking partners are being invited; The advertising, PR agencies are literally working out of our office and burning the mid night oil. In the midst of all these, on a Friday 6.30 p.m., and we get another mail:
“The routine pest control exercise is being undertaken from 24th evening (Friday) 8.30 pm onwards to 8.30 pm on 25th (Saturday). Inconvenience regretted – But there would not be any food, water, power supply in the mentioned period”.
Who are they? This time, they are the efficient Admin team. Neighbor’s pride. Owner’s envy. Here, I was surprised when Tina from Admin was spotted late on one of the days.
Arun: Hey Tina. How come you are late today?
Tina: Arre yaar. I have a deadline. I have to finish some imp task.
Arun: What is it? Some housekeeping thing?
Tina: I have to estimate the number of water bottles & calculators to be brought for new joinees..
Arun: So have you finalised it?
Tina: Yes..more or less. I received the new joinee list from HR last week.
Arun: But then what’s the complication?
Tina: We are confused which vendor to choose. One is quoting Rs 21 per bottle and other is quoting Rs 23. So I have to close on one by today end.
Arun: But how could they give you such a tight deadline for this yar?
Tina: I know. Last week I left only at 11 PM – I was deciding whether to subscribe for India Today in office or not.
Arun: That’s a tough task.
Tina: You are so understanding, Arun. I wish my boss too was.
Yet another day. I was busy fighting with a market research agency on phone. My colleaugues are either fighting with some vendors or fighting with the sales department. All of them are actively doing many things with high urgency levels (a mega launch is around). Suddenly a Bell rings. TRRRRRRRRRRRRRINGGGGGGGGGGG.
Announcement: "Dear staff. this is a routine fire drill. please do not panic. do not use the lift. please take the fire exit staircases and assemble at the parking area. We repeat do not panic.. " We all hesitanly walk down from 7th floor to level 0. My Brand manager also sprains his leg in the way down.
There, When we are panting, when we are wondering whats happening, the admin head explains: "Thanks a lot for your co-operation. We have evacuated in 15 mins flat. wish you all a happy weekend!" WTF...You go home after evacuating us in 15 mins. You get a promotion next year. what about our launch?
Intentionally or unintentionally, their (admin’s) schedule invariable works out as follows quite often:
1) The Pest control will happen only on those weekends when the entire organization has to work together as a team to deliver something very important on Monday.
2) Do EPABX maintenance (of-course by shutting it off) only when there’s a launch and lot of potential enquiries are expected.
3) Do A/C Maintenance only during working hours, preferably in summer only.
4) Conduct mock fire drills exactly just an hour before an important client presentation when a team of 7 senior people are visiting us from London.
5) They go for the team outing (HR has said that all depts could go for a 2 day outing in a year) when CEO has just requested a make over of all site offices across the city within a weeks time.
So a typical yearly schedule of the departments of a busy, reputed organization could be seen as follows:
January:
Marketing: 3 project launches - To achieve revenues of INR 3000 mn
Admin: To conduct pest control & fumigation, To shift marketing department employees to 4th floor from 2nd floor. Has to be done in Jan itself.
HR: To organize mega inter departmental antakshari competition on 4th floor, after shifting.
February:
Marketing: 4 project launches - To achieve revenues of INR 4000 mn
Finance: To bid for the merger of the company with company X.
Planning: To provide the first preview of the mega township with 8000 residences.
Admin: To conduct mock fire drills 3 times. To disconnect the company from Reliance’s boardline number and appoint Airtel as the new vendor. Shift pre-sales & sales to a new building block.
HR: To organise employee satisfaction survey. To conduct mandatory training of 5 full days for sales team members as a part of global training policy.
March (year end):
Marketing: 7 project launches - To achieve revenues of INR 8000 mn. Yay.
Finance: To raise 3000 crores by way of debt syndication.
Admin: To change the canteen vendor. No food for 9.5 days. Marketing team looks more complacent. shift them back to 2nd floor.
HR: To make sure that all employees avail their stipulated unavailed leaves and that no leaves to be carry forwarded to the next year. To make sure that all the employees’ appraisal reports and ratings are ready by 28th of March.
April (New year & Summer start):
Marketing: 4 project launches – This year’s turnover should be double last years.
Finance: To execute IPO.
Admin: To do routine A/C maintenance. To maintain the sub-station power feeder. No power on 2 weekends. Shift HR team.
HR: To organize Company Premier League cricket. HODs to compulsorily nominate 2 teams of 9 members each for this cricket extravaganza.
So a typical yearly schedule of the departments of a busy, reputed organization could be seen as follows:
January:
Marketing: 3 project launches - To achieve revenues of INR 3000 mn
Admin: To conduct pest control & fumigation, To shift marketing department employees to 4th floor from 2nd floor. Has to be done in Jan itself.
HR: To organize mega inter departmental antakshari competition on 4th floor, after shifting.
February:
Marketing: 4 project launches - To achieve revenues of INR 4000 mn
Finance: To bid for the merger of the company with company X.
Planning: To provide the first preview of the mega township with 8000 residences.
Admin: To conduct mock fire drills 3 times. To disconnect the company from Reliance’s boardline number and appoint Airtel as the new vendor. Shift pre-sales & sales to a new building block.
HR: To organise employee satisfaction survey. To conduct mandatory training of 5 full days for sales team members as a part of global training policy.
March (year end):
Marketing: 7 project launches - To achieve revenues of INR 8000 mn. Yay.
Finance: To raise 3000 crores by way of debt syndication.
Admin: To change the canteen vendor. No food for 9.5 days. Marketing team looks more complacent. shift them back to 2nd floor.
HR: To make sure that all employees avail their stipulated unavailed leaves and that no leaves to be carry forwarded to the next year. To make sure that all the employees’ appraisal reports and ratings are ready by 28th of March.
April (New year & Summer start):
Marketing: 4 project launches – This year’s turnover should be double last years.
Finance: To execute IPO.
Admin: To do routine A/C maintenance. To maintain the sub-station power feeder. No power on 2 weekends. Shift HR team.
HR: To organize Company Premier League cricket. HODs to compulsorily nominate 2 teams of 9 members each for this cricket extravaganza.
IT: Shut down LAN for 4 days and shut down SAP for annual maintenance.
Uff. Happens in your company too? I am sure. Enjoy.
Uff. Happens in your company too? I am sure. Enjoy.
Wanna know how the futuristic admin / HR would function:
1) They'd appoint McKinskey to decide the Overall admin strategy. This includes: Deciding when to do strategic fumigation to kill the maximum number of pests. (McKinsey ofcourse would hire a consultant who exactly knows at what time of the day the pests reproduced effectively and how often they go into hibernation in a day) . It includes When exactly to buy dustbins, water bottles and how many. How many times to change Phone-lines in a year. etc. Automated mails will be sent to everyone on the concerned days so that Admin people can leave on time.
2) HR would learn from other companies on which games worked in which companies. They'd do a quick survey and say that Chinese automobile industry found that "Conducting choir Music competition increased productivity by 0.5% when compared to Cooking competition". And they'd adopt this into the indian context of Musical chair and Rangoli competitions. They'd appoint agencies that strategically conduct these games in the right time of the day and in the right month in order to have the maximum productivity gain. They'd also say that while infosys organised Traditional dressing day, their attrition that month reduced by 120 bps and hence thats the way to go forward.
Uff..
somebody is "J"
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